| | I ... I feel so blue ...
I ... I feel so blue... in this white poem.
I feel so blue.
I feel so blue... in this white poem.
I... Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why, the wind is so cold.
Take
my heart.
Make things right.
Love ... love will find a way.
This is the line you used to love.
This is the line you used to love.
I ... I feel so blue...
Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why, I feel so blue ...
Tell me why, tell me why I love you.
My love for you would break my heart.
No no no ...
No way to change my heart
I still wanna be in this endless blue verse...
This is the line you used to love ...
love will find a way.
This is the line you used to love.
Do you still believe that?
While I'm away... Read this line again. Yoshiki
No news whatsoever. I don't want to talk, I just want to fade away. I just don't understand some things, how the biggest of all cannot be remembered, and someone can only focus in something so small it shouldn't matter. Because I can take the big picture and it's great, and I can take also the small details... and although some of them aren't that good at all... they don't matter to me.
Nine days. Too much thinking. Too much crying, but never enough it seems. Too much of everything but what I really like to have even a tiny little bit.
I don't want this life, give me another one! I'm tired of being born trying. I tried to be born after 10 months in my mother's womb (or maybe I didn't want to come out knowing how my life will be), I tried not to listen to unpleasant things, I tried to be a good daughter in case everything was my fault, I tried to be a good cousin since I have no siblings, I tried to be a good student so everyone could be proud of me, I tried to be a good person, a good woman, I tried to be calm and cool about something really bad, I tried to pretend that I am strong when I am not, I tried to make only good things... I tried to speak but I couldn't, so I shouted and that's breaking the rules, so I don't deserve another chance. I have to pretend to be strong all my life, I cannot have a tough time, I'm not allowed to suffer or to be weak or needy or to just want you to hear me. Or love me.
"This isn't how I go" - Edward Bloom (Big Fish)
#12, #11, #10, #9, #8, #7, #6, #5 & #4
Since she didn't have much time, he was the one who should come up more frequently. She loves Madrid, and she rather stay in this city, but also she preferred to be alone with him in a home of their own. That winter they went to London. First time. They both fell in love with the city and with each other again... They say that's the key to a strong relationship "falling in love with the other over and over again". Like an addiction, so sweet. It wasn't easy because she wanted to go to Sweden but he refused saying he had to study and all that. Then, they spent Christmas and New Year's in Madrid. It wasn't a lot of fun, but they were together (she had to work, no holidays), for all that matters.
The year went by... she finally started to work at the airport (for Starbucks too) after many new shops opened and many shifts changed. She likes the airport thing, and since she was there she received lots of offers from everywhere, but now she wanted to focus on her studies, seeing this job as means not an end... and thinking that later she will switch to a really good job doing what she really really liked with much free time to spend with him. So, although this job kept them apart more than ever, she was fighting to finish that degree just right. That spring he started sending her letters. He was really really sweet. And that's what she needed that time. Because maybe unconsciously he realized what she has realized before, and now.
His letters couldn't be more loving, affectionate and true. He wrote about his days, his classes... and his love for her. And she fell in love even deeply and started to truly believe that finally she could be happy. The distance was never a problem, or at least it seemed so.
That summer he came back to Madrid since she was injured and couldn't left the city just in case. She was off work, but she didn't expect it to last that much (even today her foot hurts). And also the other option that was going to his hometown wasn't as funny as the big city. For the first time, he agreed to buy a swimsuit and went with her twice to the pool. In July she took a course in teaching spanish to foreigners, her cousin paid a visit. He learned how much similar they are in behaviour and so... He bought for her birthday the new edition of Trivial Pursuit (since the one she had was 15 years old and they were palying almost every day)... they had fun with the game. He came with Konomi (little flea) and she was really bad indoors... she would pee every single inch of this room, but she was loved and Nezumi and her made good friends/siblings (since they are our daughters). Konomi escaped the room to the neighbour's yard, where she was unreachable and they had to wait for her to come back... after she had sex with a cat ¬¬ and the neighbours came back from holidays... Lorena was the one to pick Konomi up... and she received many scratches as "thank you" from her. Eddie wanted to beat the cat up, but she wouldn't let him do it. She argue the cat was afraid, that she didn't know what was happening right now and was very scared... and that's why she throw her long nails at her. So Lorena, even though he hurt so much, didn't hate the cat and put an explanation to her behaviour. (Does this ring any bell?)
She thought that summer went pretty well... although things are never as they seem and she is right more times than she wishes to.
He has always said he isn't great, he thinks he's not good-looking, and that he could never attract any other woman... although she spent time telling him the truth, he would never believe it. She could be a bit jealous but always not too much, always as a joke since she was so sure about his love for her, as well as she was sure she loved him more than anyone and that she would do it until she died.
So... she was busy a couple of weekends until she finally could go down to visit him and Konomi and her kittens. There were 7 of them, all so beautiful and dear... She sensed something, she wasn't sure about it, but she knew something was going on. She asked him a couple of times "why don't you love me?" as a 'joke'... but she didn't get the answer she always listened... and when they were about to go to sleep the very first day she was there (she was only going to be for the weekend) she asked again. He only replied "go to bed" while he headed for the kitchen. She did as she was told. He came back, turn down the lights, entered the bed beside her, spooned her... when she asked "so?why is it?". She was prepared for the answer although she didn't want to hear it... She was prepared in her mind, but her body wasn't. He said "I like someone else". She remained calm, fighting the tears as much as she could (always trying to be strong) and asked "who?", he replied "does it matter?" and she said "yes, tell me" more urgently than she wanted to show... And she knew. She had to be always right. And she broke apart so hard and deep... she wanted to die once more.
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| | Posted 1/7/2008 12:39 PM - 18 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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