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But you've gotta make your own kind of music
sing your own special song,
make your own kind of music even if nobody
else sing along.
So if you cannot take my hand,
and if you must be goin',
I will understand.
You're gonna be knowing
the loneliest kind of lonely.
It may be rough goin',
just to do your thing's
the hardest thing to do.
And my music will be like a symphonic orquestra. Just beautiful.
The final scenario is set. I will never go like that. I'm (unfortunately) too smart. He hates me, and that's how it should be. Because it cannot be the way it used to... because now he's found a new world with no room for me in it.
I will finish what I started. Stay tuned, at least until next Friday.
I wonder why he entered my MSN this morning... well, it won't matter anymore, that account will be no longer mine... It will die as his feelings for me. It's funy how I played with him to give him that contact information, but just because I hated everyone I had in there... but after everyone left IRC as a desert, I had no choice. But he was the only person I eagerly waited to be online. And I waited in September... and waited and waited and that was the most horrible pain: knowing you're alone... and the only person to make you feel where you belong... just prefers to have fun of their own.
And I was the one who hurt him. Or that he says. But when I was saying "go to hell" I never ran to another man's arms (lips or penis). And when he tried to make things right, I never received his text messages while fondling another man or kissing him.
(Do you just realize how much that hurts? After you told me to wait for you... after 7 days of telling me that, you were kissing her and you want me to skip that just because? Just because if you think about it you feel guilty? No, I'm not trying to make you feel that way... you are guilty. I was sending my heart at you every single day just to receive that kind of disdain. I hope you never feel that much hurt inside... and now you tell me I'm the most important person in your life and you cannot bear the thought of not talking to me again???? Excuse me? How much should I bend and break? How much? Isn't it enough for you? Well I'm completely broken now, I cannot do more. I forgave the unforgivable [for you] twice in different ways... and for me the 3rd one counts as well because you did it knowing you were hurting me, you could have waited until I'm dead or at least a couple of months.)
Funny is how I always despise sex and just two nights ago I dreamt of him and me... kissing, making love... it was so sweet... When I woke up I was frankly aroused but the worst part of it is that never after doing it with him have I cried (not even in dreams) as I cried the day before yesterday when I realized it was all a stupid dream and that I could never feel that way again (because he won't touch me again and if he wanted to... I wouldn't be able to stand the touch of his hands anymore... not his lips, not even any other part of his skin... and still, I do love him with all my heart).
#3
So... you can read about that time in here. At least the feelings... She wasn't allowed to suffer, so when she was avoiding him for 1 week he decided he couldn't be avoided and that he didn't want to be with her. Great, huh? So she was suffering a whole month because he couldn't wait, but she can... yes, she is the more patient woman in this world, although you wouldn't think that . As he said "I hope you can always forgive me, although I don't want you to need to do that"... Well, everyone lies, as Dr. House would say, right?
So, he came and said he loved her and she accepted him back with no more questions and with no bad feelings (against him at least). But he started to be too proud about it, too sure about her love... that she wasn't sure anymore about his, and that hurt a lot. But he wouldn't notice although she said it... He promised her the moon, they always do, and she believed he was different, that he really wanted to protect her and not to hurt her ever again. She was happy seeing she made him happy again. All was perfect again. She wanted to go for a trip to Sweden (again) but he refused to skip a couple of classes, so she forced herself to schedule the travel to the week after with no problems to skip a whole week (instead of 3 days). Result: they couldn't go because she had an appointment after her operation (that and he was very mean to her so she was upset and felt like crap: since the operation she needed confirmation of her "attractiveness" [if any] in addition to confirmation of his love, she couldn't help it). So she re-scheduled for August (with more complaints on his part, after she had to pay for the initial trip [30€ each = 60€], the change [100€ each = 200€], the hotels [100 + 70 + 120 = 290€], but she told him nothing).
She went to Japan, wishing to have him by her side, then to London, which she enjoyed for the second time but not as much as the first one... Then to Sweden. And we're reaching the end of the story.
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| | Posted 1/8/2008 10:23 AM - 21 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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